Thanks Huck, you're certainly a gentleman. Maybe I'll take another look at the Fair Tax.

With all the uproar over the worst 30 seconds of Reverend Wright's life, I must have missed these, how should I put it, reasonable words from Mike Huckabee:

HUCKABEE: [...] "And one other thing I think we’ve gotta remember. As easy as it is for those of us who are white, to look back and say “That’s a terrible statement!”…I grew up in a very segregated south. And I think that you have to cut some slack — and I’m gonna be probably the only Conservative in America who’s gonna say something like this, but I’m just tellin’ you — we’ve gotta cut some slack to people who grew up being called names, being told “you have to sit in the balcony when you go to the movie. You have to go to the back door to go into the restaurant. And you can’t sit out there with everyone else. There’s a separate waiting room in the doctor’s office. Here’s where you sit on the bus…” And you know what? Sometimes people do have a chip on their shoulder and resentment. And you have to just say, I probably would too. I probably would too. In fact, I may have had more of a chip on my shoulder had it been me."

That's really all I was trying to say in my speech that went over so well. I'm not defending the comments or the point of view that prompted them, but is it really so surprising some people feel that way? It was also just days after the September 11th attacks, remember how crazy everyone was feeling? From the reaction these comments received it would seem like nobody else said or did anything a little nuts during that time.

*Cough*Jerry Fallwell ... *Cough*Pat Robertson

So thanks Huck, I know we've had our disagreements, like on the age of the Earth and all, but I promise I'll take another look at the whole Fair Tax thing you were so adamant about. All my Democratic friends tell me it's a tax hike but I have to admit I like the sound of that IRS going out of business sale.

It'll have to wait until I'm in office though. A lot of people already think I'm too open minded as it is. One more reasonable plan might make their heads explode and, honestly, I need them to vote before I can let that happen. So wait until January, then send me some info on how it would solve the illegal immigration issue and tax the underground economy.

Fauxbama out

Hil misremembers landing under sniper fire, says she's only human

When most people go job hunting, they get asked about their experience. It's a fair question. The answer can often make a big difference to perspective employers.

For example:
"Have you ever milked a cobra before?"

"Well, no. But I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night!"

Experience isn't everything however. In fact, when you're running for President, too much experience can actually disqualify you. Like 8 years experience for instance. So when you base your candidacy on how experienced you are, maybe you should expect people to ask questions.

No one ever doubted that being First Lady would give you a bit of insight into what the White House can be like. Yet, is it unfair to point out that she was not, in fact, the President? Nor a member of any official post elected or appointed? The press seems to think it's relevant.

So when Hillary started to claim all kinds of involvement and responsibilities during her husband's administration, a lot of people had to wonder if some of this stuff was stretching the truth just a bit. Like, oh I dunno, negotiating peace between Ireland and the Brits. Just off the top of my head.

When she recalled a truly hair raising episode of landing in Bosnia under "sniper fire" though, few had any reason to doubt it, including me. I mean, sounds logical enough, that place was friggin' cra-zy. So crazy violent in fact, some nosy journalist asked why she would be sent to such a place instead of the President? Her answer? "The determination was made that it was too dangerous to risk the President's life." Hmm. Too dangerous for Bill so he sent his wife and teenage daughter instead. What? It's exactly what I would have done!

Yep, when the video of this harrowing landing finally surfaced your can clearly see...well...a pretty nice little welcoming actually. In between "running with her head down to sanctuary" she was soo heroic she even stopped to say hi to an 8 year girl some reckless parent let out to skip around in sniper fire. Backing her up the whole time was Chelsea, I guess the women really do have the balls in that family.

When the press was rude enough to point out that her recollection and reality seemed to be at odds she said "Well, I remembered something different. It shows I'm human." Human. The jury may still be out on that one but it does at least show she possesses an undeniably human trait, resume padding. Who knows, maybe she was just having some fun with us and pulling our leg. A joke if you will. C'mon, she's a kidder!

I think I'm coming around to this scenario. It seems to be in her DNA:


Fauxbama out.

James Carville is a Shape Shifter

You have no doubt heard by now that the "raging cajun" James Carville has compared Governor Bill's Richardson's endorsement of me to a "betrayal" of the Clintonses. Moreover, it seems he's of the opinion that this act is on par with Judas Escariot's alleged selling out of Jesus the Christ for 30 pieces of silver. Go figure. Some people are touchy.

As you would probably expect, I have a comment. Let's put aside for a moment the fact that James Carville is a shape shifter. You know, one of those reptillian aliens that live beneath the earth's crust? Yeah them. Haven't heard of the reptilian conspiracy yet? Dude, it's called YouTube, look it up. You might have seen me winning like a bazillion primaries on it. Like I said, let's not go there just at this moment. 

You see, metaphors can be powerful things. Powerful, dangerous things. They allow the speaker to quickly illustrate a point that can be tedious to verbalize, letting the listener form a connection between an event or concept they're not sure what they think about yet to an event or concept in which they have already formed definite feelings on.

Yet metaphors, like a double-edged sword, can cut both ways. They can backfire and shoot the speaker in the foot...so to speak. The verbal recoil, to coin a phrase, can knock a fork-tongued serpent off his pedestal and drown him in the mud, dragging him right off his over-pedantic high horse. If you follow.

So let's examine this one for sec. Gollum over here, says Richardson is Judas and implies he must have received thirty pieces of silver. 

Who then, in this exercise, is Jesus? The betrayed is most assuredly Hillamonster...I for one had no idea he felt that strongly about her. Thirty pieces of silver not quite having the buying power it might once have commanded, must be a political favor from yours truly. So who am I a temple priest? Somehow I just can't see myself in those robes but, he wasn't talking fashion here I guess. 

Still, something's missing here. Pontius Pilate. This could either be the media, or more likely, the voters. Wait a second. Did the lizard king just insinuate that Democratic voters killed Jesus? The record, I humbly submit, says he did. The media doesn't have the stomach for action, they let others do the killing. No, the media must be The Crowd and The Crowd, like alot of Congressman, just likes to watch.

Another conclusion this metaphor begs to extrapolate is that as Judas' actions led to the death of Christ, this must mean that Bill's endorsement is the death knell of the Clintonista's campaign. A public execution if you will. Hey, I didn't say it, go talk to alien boy if you got a problem with it. Is that what you were trying to say Jimmy?

Now you might be thinking: "Ah, so Hillary must rise from the dead then huh?" Sure, after a time. My calculations place that event happening somewhere around July. Just in time to disappear from the corporeal scene and go back to haunting a Senate seat representing the State of New York.

And Carville? He's the snake of course. No metaphor here, I mean, just look at him!

Told ya so. 

Fauxbama out.

Easter, hopelessly commercialized or still positive?

I had planned on a short post today because of the Easter holiday. I was simply going to post this image from politcalcartoons.com artist Jeff Parker because it really summed up my feelings better then words could ever hope to.

Then the day came and brought with it family, egg hunts, great food and lots of excitement. So I decided not to post it. An no, my decision had absolutely nothing to do with the $10 reprint fee. Really. I swear.

So Happy Easter. Fauxbama out.

Relationships built on self interest

A lot is made of politicians serving their own self interest. It's true it can be destructive but it can also be beneficial. In these darkest days before the dawn (that is, January 2009) it's important to put this dynamic in to the proper perspective.

Self interest used to be manipulated by Princes through appointments to high office and favours of power. (I used the British spelling there 'cause we're talking about the old days see?) If you wanted your family to enjoy prestige and safety, you had better keep your subjects quiet and in line with policy. This also did wonders for the keeping of your head attached to your shoulders.

The fore-fathers of this nation realized their particular whig-covered heads were far enough away from their Prince they could probably get away with seizing all the power for themselves. It turned out they were right and our still young Republic was born. We then had to create an entirely new system of doling out favors (American spelling this time) to reward our people's self interest. We called it Capitalism and it worked out pretty good for a long time.

The central tenet of this new system was that if there was a problem that effected enough people, some smart guy would come along and figure out how to make a buck off it. The (eventual) byproduct of these entrepreneur's profit making schemes would be that the problem would more or less be addressed. Sometimes more, sometimes less.

In the middle of the last century some other eggheads decided they could do us one better and tried to create a system that was in everyone's interest and we would live in a grand utopia. Great, grand, SOCIAL utopias. But guess what? It didn't work this time. It was such a disaster we eventually had to fight a bunch of wars, both literal and economic, just to bring these dudes to their senses. I think their names were Marx and Engles, or something.

You see, the problem was they tried to take self interest out of the equation. They didn't see it was a central part of life. Making no room for the reality of it, it manifested itself instead as tyranny wielded by the very power figures that were supposed to have been the safeguards of society. So it took a while, but we eventually forced that genie back in to the proverbial bottle and we returned to business as usual. 

The current tug of war our country is experiencing between so called "liberals" and "conservatives" can really be boiled down to those who believe that government can and should be used as a tool to enforce social justice and those who think it will all work itself out naturally if only we rely on our own self interest. 

So what side is which? Ironically, these roles are often reversed depending on if we're talking about social themes or if we're talking about economic themes. Most "social liberals" tend towards "economic conservatism" and most "social conservatives" tend towards "economic liberalism".

Who's right? All of us. And, none of us. But hey, that's America baby. The one thing we can all count on is that as groups and individuals we will all pursue those courses of action we see as in line with our own self interest. And that's as it should be. We'll all get what's coming to us in the end. That I can promise you.

Psst. Hey Bushy, you're fired.

Fauxbama out.

Don't worry, I'll pick up the Bill

New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson's endorsement of me today has been picking up a lot of press although I can't imagine why. Could it be that the news media has a big group fetish for back stabbing? Nah, couldn't be. Mark Penn certainly doesn't agree and who could possibly know better eh? This from the guy who tried to disown his influence in her campaign after he almost killed it. Twice.

I mean, here's a guy that served as President Clinton's Energy Secretary AND Ambassador to the United Nations. More importantly he's got the kinda clout that can force Bill to endure what he obviously feels is torture on the scale of water-boarding, watching the Super Bowl. NOW who's un-American huh Billary? Whatsamatta you don't like football? What are you a communist?

Maybe he was just tired of telling Bill that he loves his secret superbowl recipe spare ribs. I can understand, I had to choke em down too. They were awful. Too much chipotle.

Still, appearing on stage today with him was great. We talked about our funny names, mixed heritage and backwards parents. He even admitted he wasn't paying attention at the debate because he didn't expect to get called on. He said I was a great guy for letting him know the question was about Katrina, letting him ramble out his talking points.

I didn't have the heart to tell him they really asked about his U.N. experience, mostly because it didn't matter anyway. No one was paying attention to his answer then and no one seems to be paying attention now. In fact, Hil was the only one that seemed to notice he started babbling about rising flood waters and the National Guard when asked about International negotiations.

Me: "Can you believe this guy?"
"You're so bad." She says.

Still, she's trying to act this one doesn't sting even though we all know it does. To rub even more salt in the wound he tells Olbermann tonight he almost endorsed her! Ouch! But enough about Governor Bill, he's a big softie and you gotta like that. It's truly amazing he's made it this far in politics being that honest. Now I just have to buy him a razor because that chin fleece has got to go.

So how do I get Edwards to see the light? He says he's holding out for veep but I think I can talk him down to Attorney General. What do you think?

Fauxbama out.

Passports, Re-Votes and Bracketology

The latest indignant outrage is all about the State Department's seeming reluctance to even inform me that my passport file was accessed illegally three times in the last three months. I'm really not sure why anyone is surprised actually. Honestly I could give a damn except that at this point I am a little eager to change the subject so I decided it's best to act pissed for a while.

I'm not happy that these guys lost their jobs either, they were probably put up to it by Rove or someone even more Evil. Yes, there are more evil people out there. It's scary, I know.

On other matters, Hil keeps harping about Michigan and Florida. I wish she would let this drop, honestly. It's not what you think either. Truth is, I'm trying to be NICE to her and she doesn't seem to know what she's getting herself in to.

I mean, does she really think that she would gain any ground with a re-vote in the big MI? Good God she nearly lost to "uncommitted" the last time around! Sheesh!

As for Florida, well, maybe. I'm not sure what the decepticon government has been putting in the drinking water but people there have been acting a bit odd in recent years. Still, they just haven't seen enough of the O-man yet. I'd say bring it on but Chucky Crist won't let it happen anyway.

The real deal is she doesn't want a re-vote, she wants the old vote. And THAT I won't let happen. Not this time Hil. Why oh why didn't you run in 2004? That's when the Dems needed a bulldog. I can see now that you would have done what Kerry didn't have the stones to, go really, really negative. But that's not what's gonna beat McCain. Style will. Now I'm here and I ain't leaving so just get the frig out ok? O-k.

Now the most important issue on my mind, Brackets! The pundits have been pouring over my picks all day. Did I pick North Carolina because of the upcoming primary? Uh, this is b-ball baby, it's important. I wouldn't do that. I chose NC cause they got a BIG boy over there. Duh! Look, I know this stuff people! I got judgment!

Besides, can any other Presidential Candidate do this?

Yeah, I didn't think so. Fauxbama out.

What I might do if this whole "Leader of the Free World" thing doesn't work out

I'm trying America. I really am.

The more I get out there and speak truth to power, the more I treat you as the adults I really, really want to believe you are, the more ignorant crap gets thrown at me (and you) by the "liberal" media and right wing nutcakes. (That's a mix of nut-jobs & fruitcakes BTW. I'm kinda proud of it.)

Meanwhile the Hillamonster can get away with doublespeak like saying the Michigan primary was fair even though my name wasn't on the ballot (and she STILL barely beat Kucinich & "non-committed") and Senior McCain needs Joe Lieberman to help remind him just who in the hell we're fighting anyways. (McCain - Lieberman anyone?)

Don't get me wrong America, I'm staying strong. I honestly didn't expect anything less (or more) anyway and everything is actually going pretty much as planned. I mean, did you think I wrote yesterday's speech on Monday night?

It's just that I am only human after all, so I suppose it's natural to think of contingency planning. It was in a dark mood like this that I happened upon an interesting idea that I just might pursue if this all blows up in my face after all.

Some dude (bloke?) in Perth, Australia is feeling similar about his life and had the novel (genius) idea of just selling it all on eBay.

That's life as in house, car, motorcycle, stuff, friends, job, even his sky diving and kite surfing gear.

Says he wants to get on a train with his passport and nothing else. I can super size with him.

Now, I wouldn't know how to value "friends" & the job doesn't seem particularly lucrative but the house, car & crap I assume has some value.

Weird? Yeah, but not as strange as the guy who sold his football team "loyalty".

So what I'm thinking is this, I could get WAY more for my life than some kangaroo wrangler down under couldn't I? Damn skippy! Win his auction and you get a crap house in a crap country and a crap job to go with it. You win MY auction on the other hand and you're a United States Senator! That means FREE HEALTH CARE people. Wake up, I'm thinking about this.

Not to mention I gots me a HUGE house, a driver and Secret Service protection. Ok, that last one's not so great but hey they might work harder for you, who knows.

Don't know what I'd do with the wife and kids though...I suppose I'd take em with me. I could always snipe the Aussie's auction with the winnings from mine... Talk about arbitrage! Then I'd be rich AND free. Not bad, I gotta admit.

I definitely couldn't trust eBay with a life of my stature though. I'd have to go through Sotheby's or Christie's and have the whole thing insured by Loyd's of London. I dunno, sounds like a pain.

We'll see how this all plays out but I'm officially floating the idea to see if it drums up any interest. Have an idea? Drop me an email to fauxbama@gmail.com or just send a smoke signal. Hell, along with everything else I must have some Indi..I mean, Native American in me too so I should probably be able to read it.

More on this later, Fauxbama out.

Take that b!tches...

Wow.

I even amaze myself sometimes.

Go me.

---

View the entire Barack Obama speech from 3/18/08 here or in pieces below.

Entire speech courtesy of MSNBC:



Part1:



Part2:



Part 3:



Part 4:

Sneak preview of my big speech tommorow

So it seems I'm gonna have to pull a Romney and feint at an explanation of my views on race brought on by my former Pastor, Jeremiah Wright. What I'm telling you first, dear readers, is that tomorrow's speech is really just a vehicle for my "Big Finish" and man is it gonna be a zinger...

First of all, let me clear up a little misconception the pundits don't seem to have caught on to yet. They seem to think I miscalculated by not distancing myself from the Pastor sooner. Lemme axe you a question though, is anyone out there still thinking I'm a Muslim? Ah...never thought of that did you?

It's called the double megaphone and it works like this. When your opponents are spreading lies and misinformation you give them a lesser story to repeat that negates the first, more damaging story. The rub is that to succeed the second story has to do a bit of damage also to ensure that the rubes will repeat it and therein lies the genius. Just as it seems that things can't get any worse you unleash the stunt and that leaves them too dazzled to remember what their name is let alone anything bad about you.

And that brings us to my speech tomorrow. I've been polishing it all week and I really don't think I could be prouder. I'll start off with a mention of unity and how America is above all this divisive talk and blah, blah. Then I'll move towards change and how typical these types of attacks are of the "old politics" blah. It will be moving. It will be hopeful. Colleges around the globe will be doing shots whenever I say "hope" and chugging beer when I say "change". Expect a lot of that. Then the big finish, the double whammy, the prestige if you will. And remember, this is just between us, because after the most rousing speech you've ever heard I will show America just how different of a candidate I really am.

I'm going to challenge Hillary Clinton to a duel.

You read that right, a duel. As in to the death, twenty paces, choose your second, all of that.


After this no one is gonna be talking about my Pastor, my middle name or wondering if I'm secretly Muslim or not. The American public will hold a collective breath while placing their bets in office pools around the country. Which is what they'd really rather be doing anyway. Game, set, match.

Hey, after all, it worked for Alexander Hamilton. Yeah, yeah, I know he died afterwards but I don't think Hil's as good a shot as Aaron Burr and you don't hear anyone talking about Hamilton's "despicable character" comment about Burr anymore do ya? Of course not, they even put him on the $10 bill and he wasn't even a President. Did you even know that?

Dueling rules. Fauxbama out.

Black is the new President, B!tch.

Short post tonight 'cause I'm feeling under the weather, but I wanted to give a big Fauxbama shout out to Tracy Morgan for his piece on SNL's Weekend Update last night.

I've been in bed all day dreaming feverish dreams of bowling in the White House's secret alley and making tapes of my cabinet meetings. Somewhere in the midst of all this I remembered that I hadn't stayed up to watch SNL last night. Thank God for Tivo.

Much love, Tracy. I'm sending you an onion of that stick-icky I got from the King of Jordan. It'll leave you numb and whimpering. Fauxbama out.

There's a lot of beef flying around, grab a racket

Why a racket? First thing I could think of that might be effective for defending oneself against high-protein missiles I suppose. But for reals for a sec, why all the hate? I think we all need to take a big, collective breath for a moment and think about what's most important going forward right now and I think we all know what that is now don't we?

That's right. Getting me in the White House by January.
And for that, a few things need to happen:

A #1 - Hill's gotta back off. It's been cute but the skys are darkening and Democratic hearts and minds are cynicising. Can't someone talk to her? Al? Dr. Dean? Anyone?? ... Bill??? C'mon guys. You know the rule. Bros before hos yo. C'mon nah. I didn't make it up.

B #2 - The media's got ta get back in line. What's the deal guys? I though we had an arrangement. I know you said you had to hit me for a while cause of SNL but I'm starting to think you don't like me anymore. That makes me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...

C #3 - What's the dirt on McCain? I sent out a task force months ago and haven't heard from them since. I know his mercs aren't as good as mine so what's the dig? Is this Rove's doing? Man, I was warned but now I see the depth of his evil. I'm gonna need someone to run interference for me while I work on THE SECRET WEAPON. Don't worry, it's almost ready but it needs some tweaks to allow for the increased FUD levels of late. I guess even I can misunderestimate The Threat sometimes. So anyway, somebody stall Rove, please.

The sooner these things happen the sooner we can all relax OK PEOPLE? All right good talk. Good talk. I think we all know what we need to do so let's get it done. Break!

One more thing just for the motivation:



Man do I LOVE that picture.

McCain faces uphill battle in ambitious attempt to out-awkward Bush

As politicians, an unfortunate aspect of our careers is that every once in a while we must sully our pristine selves by consorting with the unwashed masses. As gross as this is, your ability to seem genuine is critical. Sincerity, it is said, is everything. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

What no one seems to have told Resident Bush however, is that if you can't fake it, it's usually better not to try. It can really lay a turd on your cornflakes when it backfires on you. Bush, as usual, is incomparable at the art of the awkward photo op.

Whether it's holding hands with the bi-curious:

or shaking babies,

or even hugging puppet master tyrants,

it's gotta be hard to out-awkward someone who pardoned a turkey in exchange for doing what turkeys do best, gobble:

Yet when John McCain tried to suckle from Bush's teat many said "Now HERE is a guy that just might have a shot of stealing the proverbial (& literal) dunce cap from Bush's head". Still, I wasn't impressed.

I bet Bush was simply wearing a really musky cologne and McCain was just trying to place the scent. I put it out of my mind until a reader sent me this shot taken only moments later:

Now THAT'S what I call going for the gusto!

Still, when you've been in office for almost 8 years, it really is a simple feat to pull a trump card out of the ol' photo vault:

Take that McCain! When you actually french a world leader, come back and see me. Still, it got me thinking about what kinda heat a white boy like that was packin' down there. I didn't have to wonder long though. McCain apparently spoke with Condi who confirmed it:

The Presidential appendage is definitely no Weapon of Mass Destruction.