What I might do if this whole "Leader of the Free World" thing doesn't work out

I'm trying America. I really am.

The more I get out there and speak truth to power, the more I treat you as the adults I really, really want to believe you are, the more ignorant crap gets thrown at me (and you) by the "liberal" media and right wing nutcakes. (That's a mix of nut-jobs & fruitcakes BTW. I'm kinda proud of it.)

Meanwhile the Hillamonster can get away with doublespeak like saying the Michigan primary was fair even though my name wasn't on the ballot (and she STILL barely beat Kucinich & "non-committed") and Senior McCain needs Joe Lieberman to help remind him just who in the hell we're fighting anyways. (McCain - Lieberman anyone?)

Don't get me wrong America, I'm staying strong. I honestly didn't expect anything less (or more) anyway and everything is actually going pretty much as planned. I mean, did you think I wrote yesterday's speech on Monday night?

It's just that I am only human after all, so I suppose it's natural to think of contingency planning. It was in a dark mood like this that I happened upon an interesting idea that I just might pursue if this all blows up in my face after all.

Some dude (bloke?) in Perth, Australia is feeling similar about his life and had the novel (genius) idea of just selling it all on eBay.

That's life as in house, car, motorcycle, stuff, friends, job, even his sky diving and kite surfing gear.

Says he wants to get on a train with his passport and nothing else. I can super size with him.

Now, I wouldn't know how to value "friends" & the job doesn't seem particularly lucrative but the house, car & crap I assume has some value.

Weird? Yeah, but not as strange as the guy who sold his football team "loyalty".

So what I'm thinking is this, I could get WAY more for my life than some kangaroo wrangler down under couldn't I? Damn skippy! Win his auction and you get a crap house in a crap country and a crap job to go with it. You win MY auction on the other hand and you're a United States Senator! That means FREE HEALTH CARE people. Wake up, I'm thinking about this.

Not to mention I gots me a HUGE house, a driver and Secret Service protection. Ok, that last one's not so great but hey they might work harder for you, who knows.

Don't know what I'd do with the wife and kids though...I suppose I'd take em with me. I could always snipe the Aussie's auction with the winnings from mine... Talk about arbitrage! Then I'd be rich AND free. Not bad, I gotta admit.

I definitely couldn't trust eBay with a life of my stature though. I'd have to go through Sotheby's or Christie's and have the whole thing insured by Loyd's of London. I dunno, sounds like a pain.

We'll see how this all plays out but I'm officially floating the idea to see if it drums up any interest. Have an idea? Drop me an email to fauxbama@gmail.com or just send a smoke signal. Hell, along with everything else I must have some Indi..I mean, Native American in me too so I should probably be able to read it.

More on this later, Fauxbama out.

Sneak preview of my big speech tommorow

So it seems I'm gonna have to pull a Romney and feint at an explanation of my views on race brought on by my former Pastor, Jeremiah Wright. What I'm telling you first, dear readers, is that tomorrow's speech is really just a vehicle for my "Big Finish" and man is it gonna be a zinger...

First of all, let me clear up a little misconception the pundits don't seem to have caught on to yet. They seem to think I miscalculated by not distancing myself from the Pastor sooner. Lemme axe you a question though, is anyone out there still thinking I'm a Muslim? Ah...never thought of that did you?

It's called the double megaphone and it works like this. When your opponents are spreading lies and misinformation you give them a lesser story to repeat that negates the first, more damaging story. The rub is that to succeed the second story has to do a bit of damage also to ensure that the rubes will repeat it and therein lies the genius. Just as it seems that things can't get any worse you unleash the stunt and that leaves them too dazzled to remember what their name is let alone anything bad about you.

And that brings us to my speech tomorrow. I've been polishing it all week and I really don't think I could be prouder. I'll start off with a mention of unity and how America is above all this divisive talk and blah, blah. Then I'll move towards change and how typical these types of attacks are of the "old politics" blah. It will be moving. It will be hopeful. Colleges around the globe will be doing shots whenever I say "hope" and chugging beer when I say "change". Expect a lot of that. Then the big finish, the double whammy, the prestige if you will. And remember, this is just between us, because after the most rousing speech you've ever heard I will show America just how different of a candidate I really am.

I'm going to challenge Hillary Clinton to a duel.

You read that right, a duel. As in to the death, twenty paces, choose your second, all of that.


After this no one is gonna be talking about my Pastor, my middle name or wondering if I'm secretly Muslim or not. The American public will hold a collective breath while placing their bets in office pools around the country. Which is what they'd really rather be doing anyway. Game, set, match.

Hey, after all, it worked for Alexander Hamilton. Yeah, yeah, I know he died afterwards but I don't think Hil's as good a shot as Aaron Burr and you don't hear anyone talking about Hamilton's "despicable character" comment about Burr anymore do ya? Of course not, they even put him on the $10 bill and he wasn't even a President. Did you even know that?

Dueling rules. Fauxbama out.

IMAO: Hillary Caught Making a Photo of Obama Blacker? Again?

IMAO: Hillary Caught Making a Photo of Obama Blacker? Again?

Ok, so a while back, the Kos posted a photo of me that he claimed the Clintonistas made darker and wider to make me look "blacker" and appear as if I had a wider nose.

Now, my first reaction was hey, these things happen. I do a little Photoshop too and know as well as any graphic designer that people's computers and monitors are all slightly different and hey, what's wrong with black anyway? Black is beautiful if you haven't heard.

This time however, I'm not so sure. I think this one just may have been manipulated:

(The original is on the left BTW)

How do I know? First of all, I would NEVER have worn that tie...

The thing that really gets my goat is this, if Hillary's stormtroopers really wanted people to see how good I look with a fro, why didn't they just show this pic?

I mean damn! How did the ladies keep their hands off of me?
(They didn't. That's how.)

Oh, well. I didn't want to believe it. Hil's always so nice to me when I see her in person, like at those "debates" everyone seems to love so much. I think I'm gonna overlook this one for now. But I swear, if this happens again it's hardball time. I mean it. Don't make me post a pic like this one here:

Yikes! When was that taken anyway? The future?
Man, if that's real I need to stock up on whatever herbs she's been taking 'cause I gotta admit, she looks WAY better now:

Mmmroww!

We made Countdown!

Ok, I've been on a lot of newsie shows and am no stranger to publicity but this is making me blush. A big Fauxbama thanks to Logistik Labs for posting the following clip from MSNBC's Countdown with my main man Keith Olbermann.

I don't normally miss a show Keith but I musta been busy doing something else when this piece aired. Something like, oh I dunno, maybe winning my 300th primary or something.

Even though Mr. Olbermann mis-spoke when he said the RNC owned Fauxbama.com (they actually own Fauxbama.org...losers...) I nearly jumped out of my armored limo when I heard him say those beautiful sounds "Fauxbama.com" on the air. I'm honored. No, I mean REALLY honored. Not only does it give me a chance to clear my dear weblog's name (again) but sh!t man, I'M ON COUNTDOWN!

Much love Keith. I watch your show like, ohmagawd, ALL THE FRIGGIN' TIME. And oh yeah, I can't wait for your special comment on Hillary's "campaign" tonight. I got the Tivo all synced up and made the Secret Service guard it just in case. Lord knows they ain't watchin' MY back...

Some guy with a Ferrari thinks I'm privileged?

Ferraro’s Obama Remarks Become Talk of Campaign - New York Times

“If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position. And if he was a woman of any color, he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is. And the country is caught up in the concept.”

I don't know who this dude thinks he is, but this sh!t is really starting to piss me off. I mean, WTF right? This guy's wearing earrings and talkin' smack about me? Has he even heard my stump speech? Does he know how eloquent and articulate I am?

Lemme 'splain you sonsing darling, ju don't know me ok? Take a week off from cross-dressing, untuck the sweaty dolphin and put the lotion in the friggin' basket. Then, take a long look in the nearest mirror. Word on the street is, the McGovernator only picked you as a running mate to swing the tranny vote his way and it was only a half-hearted joke anyway 'cause he was smart enough to know he had a snowball's chance of winning.

Oh yeah, and Hil? I'm only half black otay? So lay off on the racial crap unless you want me to post those pics of that one time? You said you knew Billy wasn't really the first black pres after that little soirée and I was man enough to take my $4300 and leave out the back door. Not the same one I came in though...